  11.22 am, I walked back in my door. Computer on, food out of chilly bin into freezer. Bathroom, shoes, wallet, computer chair, Skype, Tobermory. GT and Simba greetage. I had a good weekend away. Visited Mum and Nana, caught up on their gossip. Nana gets more and more frail. It’s two months since I last saw her. The difference, even in that time, is quite noticeable. Undiagnosed pernicious anaemia (from 40 years ago) has permanently damaged her system, she has angina, arthritis, the usual range of elderly ailments. She’s weak on her feet, sometimes can’t even walk to the mailbox from her little unit. That’s about 10 meters from her front door. She’s losing her sense of balance, which isn’t good, combined with her frailty. And she’s suffered mini strokes several times over the last five years. Realistically, I have to accept that my grandmother is 78. She’s ill, she’s suffered a lot, over time. I don’t know how long she’ll be around. She herself is starting to complain of being tired. Just… being tired. Things in Mum’s home haven’t changed. She works, comes home, sleeps on the couch, goes out to church meetings, visits with different ones. It felt odd, going back… can I call it going back home? It doesn’t feel like my home any more. I’m welcome, certainly. But no, that’s not my home. Maybe, as time goes by, I’ll want to go home, and maybe Mum’s place will feel like home. But then. That’s not what I want out of life, for now. I’m happy with my little independence. The work I enjoy, freedom to do as I please. I came home via Reiver’s house, stayed there Sunday night geeking at music and movies. And it was good, and I couldn’t have done that a year ago, for the scrutiny. Tobermory had waited for me to get in. He’d spent the weekend with his godkids. Gorgeous kids, the two of them. And the way he is with them… it makes me smile. Doesn’t take any shit from them, but loves them to bits all the same. He’ll make a pretty decent dad, someday, and I know that’s something he wants. How is it that I can miss him, something I’ve never had? 2 Responses to “Somewhere I belong” |
         
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You can miss it because it IS within your reach… you know the potential, and that is what will make you ache. So close, and yet…
I don’t really feel at home anywhere… everywhere I go, I feel the same about it. I don’t remember ever really feeling at home at any time in my life.
Sorry to hear that your grandmother is suffering so much…
I still call my parents place ‘home’. It’s their home, not mine… but it still gets called ‘home’. I, meanwhile, have my own. And in it, I may offer my couch to any passing friend of mine. It’s something I’ve always done… and it’s nice to have people take me up on it occasionally.
Thinking you do not have the boy is a fools thought – you have his mind, his thoughts, his words. Perhaps no more, as yet – but this is still far, far more than ‘nothing’, no?
But my condolences to your grandmother. I had a great uncle get like that… It’s hard, it really is. *hugs*