  I try not to whinge. My life is pretty good, all things considered – I have a job, we have a home, we’re more or less physically well. I have my beloved Tobermory, I have good friends, I have cats who mob me in the mornings demanding cuddles. But I seriously need to get my act together. There’s a group in my present dance class that know each other, certainly on a casual basis, mostly as a result of all going to the Sunday night social dances. The ones that I have an ongoing fear about going to, for fear of being left out. Last night, a few of them went out for a drink after class. I was excluded from the invitation (and by the bye, I always thought it was bloody rude to ask everyone else in a circle of people and leave one person out). And I know why it is, it’s because I don’t go on the Sundays because I’m convinced I’ll be left out. And now I’m being left out and it makes me feel like shit. Which is stupid, because if I could just get over myself for ten minutes and actually GO on the Sundays, I might not be left out! It’s a stupid recursive cycle, and it ends with me sobbing about being fat and ugly and worthless and lonely. And I know it’s stupid, which makes it worse, because then I hate myself more for being stupid. Brilliant! I never learned how to make friends. I wasn’t allowed to socialise with my schoolmates, and I knew everyone in Mum’s congregation on account of having known them since birth. Well, not everyone, but certainly everyone my age. Plus, if your parents go “look this is Bob, Bob this is Mahal, great you are the same age and can be friends!!!” … well, the introduction bit is easy, and you make conversation with great amounts of eyerolling about your parents, but it is not actually an act of making-friends. It’s appeasing the parents. I am not trying to go “wah wah it’s not my faaault”, or anything. Merely noting the circumstances that led to me being twenty seven years old and apparently incapable of convincing myself to stop being a fuckwit. Tobermory has a much better success rate of befriending people (although where I don’t know where to start talking, he has trouble knowing when to stop, which can be a problem in it’s own right). I am shy. I have great difficulty convincing myself that I am likable, and even more difficulty convincing myself anyone would be willing to ask me to dance, despite empirical evidence (the Xmas party) to the contrary. (Whether they’d ask twice is an entirely different pool of stupid.) Not to mention that there are some things I’m struggling to learn right now, mostly because my fat gets in the way. And I’m not, you know, spherical in shape or anything. Last time I was weighed I was well under 90kg (200 pounds for those of you who speak American). I’m fat, but not obscenely so. Just enough to impinge on my confidence. I picked up dance in the first place because I thought I would enjoy it, and because it’s a social activity. And I have been enjoying it. I’m learning something new, I’m not completely shit, it’s exercise. I know it’s me that has to put in the effort to try – no-one is going to try and befriend the woman who turns up for an hour a week and quietly slips out after class, and never turns up on the social occasions. They’ve no way of knowing that shy is the answer rather than uninterested. Presumably if I made an attempt, they would reciprocate with at least basic politeness, because they’re decent people. (Convincing myself of that likelihood is proving … difficult.) I came home last night utterly miserable, and spent ten minutes sobbing on Tobermory’s shoulder about how I’m fat and ugly and unlikeable and how I hate myself. Something has to change. 5 Responses to “Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go round” |
         
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It’s so much harder when you have to start it late in life. However, it can be done, and fwiw, i find you very likable, very sharp, and very funny. There’s no reason that anyone else couldn’t also. When you finally do find a way around the blockage, i know you’ll find success.
Additionally, i’m several orders of magnitude more planetary than you, and i can make friends pretty easily. It’s /dates/ i don’t get much of. You don’t have to worry about that! Go, and mingle and be your delicious self. <3
I have a huge issue with shyness too. I’ve always had that problem, though I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I don’t have the whole issue with fat (quite the opposite really *pokes rib and sighs*), but I still get the “I’m ugly and unlikable and boring!” thing going in my head. I know I’m not ugly, but it still goes back to that. I know I’m not unlikable, as I’ve made some really good friends with the people who have gotten in my shell. I know I’m not really boring, but I have a hard time starting conversations. I’m not girly and I know crap about sports and I don’t watch TV; my days consist of work, school, fanfiction, and occasionally roleplay. It’s surprisingly hard to think that I have anything to talk about with my coworkers or classmates, and so I’m quiet. It’s not that I don’t want to talk, it’s just not easy. I understand that side of shy so very much and I hate it.
It’s very easy to tell ourselves that we’re being stupid and to get our butts in gear and go do something. It might only be marginally difficult to actually go somewhere to do something. It’s easy to say, “I’ll go there and talk to people and it’ll be great,” but then you have to actually do the talking once you get there.
From what you’ve said about your classes, it actually seems like they do really like you there. Maybe once work up the courage to go on Sundays you could try to stick near the few people you do know (like your instructor)? Take baby steps to branch out? After a dance, talk to your partner? Talk about work, your husband, you cats’ antics – some of the lovely things you share with us. Even if you can’t find a word to edge in, then still just be there. Be seen, laugh along, let your presence be known, and eventually the words will come. (A neat tip is to wear something – even a small something – that catches the eye. A sparkly necklace, a boldly-coloured purse or belt, a piece of clothing with an interesting pattern. Even if no one comments on it, it makes you stand out more, and when people look back they’ll remember those little things more than the whole picture. Next time the see you, it’ll be “oh, that’s the woman who had those awesome shoes!” and not “who was that again…?” Even if you don’t talk much, that memory will be there, and seeing you there again might just click for them that you ARE interested in the events, which could lead to a little easier acceptance, so on.)
I don’t know you well, but what I do know of you is a wonderfully lovely person. You’re hilariously funny and incredibly sweet at times. You make amazing cake and food (from what I’ve seen!). You have such a lovely way of expressing yourself that at times I’m as jealous of it as I am enamoured with it. :P You seem genuinely good-natured, and even when you’re upset or angry you still spin a tale of it that could bring someone a smile.
I assure you that you aren’t worthless or unlikable in the least. I don’t know that I’ve even seen a picture of you, so I can offer no honest comment on your looks, but you are a beautiful person, and you have a nifty ring stating that there’s at /least/ one person who thinks you are irresistible. As for ‘fat’, I’ll take the descriptor at face value and if you say so, then okay; that doesn’t have any reflection on you or your beauty as a person. .>; I’m just, um, wordy when I’m typing. *cough* ^^;))
1) I like you – you are likeable (I know you weren’t fishing for compliments, I’m just adding a datapoint, here).
2) I know how hard it is developing those social skills when you didn’t have the right background for it, but the only way to do it is to do it… sometimes you start a conversation and it peters out and you feel awkward, but even that is better than nothing. It does get easier with practice.
3) From my experience, dancing types are lovely, they just don’t tend to reach out to people who haven’t shown they are open to a dance/conversation/etc from strangers (after all, some people ARE just there to learn and then go home) – I’m sure once they know you want to be sociable, they will reciprocate.
*hugs* Hang in there!
When you interact with other people and make friends is not about you, it’s about them (my problem is that in general people don’t interest me).
Lemmee see…
1) Very pretty (yes, you are…just ask your husband)
2) Highly intelligent
3) Banging set of boobies!
4) You just need a bit more confidence & you’ll be set
Try telling them you know how to fix PCs – you’ve NEVER be without friends that way, trust me.
Oh, and show more cleavage!